The Wrath Of Harry
by zeke
Summary: A normal muggle kid named Zeke finds himself in over his head after writing slander about Harry Potter. How will Harry respond when he finds Zeke? Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
1. Spinning A Web

**A/N **This FanFic is about a boy named Zeke who writes a FanFic about the infamous Harry Potter in a desperate attempt to earn some respect among his peers. **A/N**

**CHAPTER ONE: SPINNING A WEB**

Zeke was seated in front of his flickering computer screen, desperately seeking a way to increase his status among geeks and nerds. He considered writing an article on the origins of, "1337," but he knew that for a case like himself, he would have to do something ground-breaking, something like writing the best "Harry Potter" Fan Fic ever. This is what he wrote:

**CHAPTER ONE: HARRY'S BAD LIFE**

One day Harry was a total loser and his cousin named Dudley was mean to him and his aunt and uncle treated him in a manner that was intended to be slightly funny, but was actually meant to make you sympathize with Harry, if you so happened to be experiencing his situation as a third person observer, which isn't very likely. But anyway Dudley hit Harry and Harry thought that it hurt a lot.

Harry said to Dudley and his gang, "Ouch, Dudley that hurt a lot, please do not repeat your previous action."

Then Dudley hit Harry again. He and his gang laughed heartily at this point. Harry thought that he would be sneaky, so he started to sneak away.

Harry would have successfully sneaker'd away if only he hadn't said, "Wow, I'm pretty sneaky!" but he did say, "Wow, I'm pretty sneaky!" Then he got hit by Dudley again. Harry thought to himself, "Ouch that hurt a lot, I wish he would not repeat his previous action once again." Harry said to Dudley, "Ouch, that hurt a lot, my wish is that you would not repeat your previous action again."

Dudley contorted his face for a few seconds, apparantely deep in thought, and came up with his _brilliant _response, "Well I may be dumb, but you're un-not smart," I typed, feeling that this accurately potrayed Dudley as the dimwitted character that I had envisioned/outrightly stolen, I mean envisioned.One of Duldley's gang, not Dudley, hit Harry and Harry said that thing that he says when people hit him. Then Dudley asked, " Hey, Harry, I didn't hit you again are you happy?"

Harry felt sad and said, "I feel sad." Dudley's gang laughed heartily at this point. Harry thought to himself, "I wish I was gifted with some sort of magical abilities and that I could go to some magical school and cause trouble with all of my hijinks and be a wizard and cause childish, situational comedy involving Dudley." So then Harry said that long sentence that I just told you that he had just thought, the one that he always thinks and then says upon being struck… er stricken, or perhaps strickded… I don't know, but I _do_ know that I'm not about to resort to using some sort of tool like dictionary dot com or anything like that. Anyway my wrists are sore, so to save time and terminate this chapter quickly I'll just type this: Dudley punched Harry and everyone was like "Wow, you _are_ cool."

**CHAPTER TWO: HARRY'S SURPRISE**

Harry awoke the next day, and laid in his spider infested cupboard under the stairs waiting until Aunt Petunia called him. He thought to himself in the dark, "There is a spider lodged under my eyelid." Harry said aloud, to no one in particular, "There is a spider lodged under my eyelid."

Dudley just so happened to be walking by and he heard Harry say this and he was like oh cool let me see but Harry didn't want him to see the spider lodged under his eyelid.

Harry said, "I don't want you to see the spider lodged under my eyelid."

"Well that is too bad now isn't it Harry," asked Dudley. Dudley then punched Harry so hard that Harry saw stars.

Harry said, "Ouch that hurt a lot, you punched me so hard that I saw stars."

Dudley said, "Oh well, that's too bad now isn't it."

Harry said, "yes." Harry wished that the spider lodged under his eyelid would go away. Harry said, "I wish that the spider under my eyelid would go away." All of the sudden Harry felt the lump under his eyelid vanish as if by magic.

"Hey, that spider lodged underneath your eyelid is gone, now I can't see it so I'm gonna hit you," said Dudley.

Harry wished that dudley would not hit him. Harry said, "Dudley I wish that you would not hit me."

Dudley said, "Oh well that's too... you know what, all of this punching you made me do is tiring I'll punch you later after I like go rest on the couch and eat ice cream and stuff."

"Acknowledged," replied Harry.

"Oh and one more thing Harry. Why do you always talk like you are a robot or something?" asked Dudley

Harry made little beeping noises. A few minutes passed and loud, metallic, banging noises were coming from the vicinity of Harry's head. Finally steam started issuing from every crevice in Harry's face and he replied, "does not compute."

Just then, to cover up that Harry is really a super-awesome robot, a really big guy broke the door down and was like, "Ahoy there Harry, You are gifted with some sort of magical abilities and now you can go to some magic school and cause trouble with all of your hijinks and be a wizard and everyone will be like woah, you are cool."

Harry said, "Wow that's freakishly similar to what I said last night, oh cool I guess this is the end of my bad life. What a surprise!" screamed Harry.

**CHAPTER THREE: HARRY'S FIRST FRIEND**

Harry was really nervous but excited about being a wizard and the big man told him that they had to go to some place to buy a bunch of whatnots.

"I am really nervous but excited about being a wizard and we have to go some place now to buy a bunch of whatnots" said Harry to the big man who had introduced himself as Hagrid.

An unusually foul-tempered Hagrid demanded, "Will you shut up already, that is the twenty second time you have said that sentence. I know we need to go some place to buy a bunch of whatnots because I was the one who told you thirty seconds ago!"

Harry stared blankly for a few seconds. "One zero zero one," he stated matter-of-factly.

Hours later Hagrid led Harry into a pub. People greeted Harry.

Harry said " I am really nervous but excited about being a wiza." SMACKXOR! Hagrid had abruptly pummeled Harry over the head with an occupied bar stool. Everyone was happy that he had shut Harry up and was all like oh you are so cool oh marry me give me a French kiss oh I love you zeke oh zeke you are so cool... I mean hagrid is so cool. That's what they said. yes hagrid… . (But I'm cool too and if they knew I existed they would think so too)(and they would also desire to french kiss me)... (or else) Then Hagrid was like I gotta go buy some whatnots at some place.

Harry and Hagrid shopped all day and some guy who runs the ice cream store whose name I am to lazy to look up, so we will just refer to him as "Zekey Jr." when conversing about him or telling one another whom he may or may not have given free ice cream cones to.

So anyway, Zekey Jr. gave Harry a free ice cream cone which Harry licked and, after which, he promptly said "Harry licks the ice cream cone."

Yeah, well I forgot to mention this a while ago, when I should have, but when Hagrid hit Harry with that occupied bar stool he seemed to make something go... even more wronger in Harry's head. Nobody can explain it but Harry suddenly became very fond of narrating his own actions. He considered any talking for any purpose other than self-narration a form of blasphemey, so as you can tell he felt pretty strongly about the whole thing…

"You know Harry, I'm glad I messed you up in the head. You're much less annoying now" said Hagrid.

Harry nodded his head. "Harry nods his head" said Harry.

After a bunch more pointless stuff that they did, that I don't really want to write about, because it's boring, Hagrid handed Harry a train ticket and said "Get on the train to go to Hogwarts see you later you annoying piece of..." and stalked of with contemplations of suicide resonating strongly in his mind.

Harry scanned the ticket which read: Platform nine and three quarters, ten o'clock, Hogwarts Express. Harry said "Harry reads the ticket and is thoroughly confused." Harry wished someone who knew what to do was there. "Harry wishes that someone who knew what to do was here" Harry elaborated.

A big fat lady with hair red there was on the platform. She had a bunch of kids with her. She noticed Harry looking scared and alone. She came over to Harry and greeted him "Hi there little boy, do you need help?"

Harry said yes. "Harry says yes" said Harry.

"Ooh, you talk funny" said the fat woman "why is that?"

Harry said "I don't know, I suffered severe trauma to the head and now I narrate my actions after doing them." Harry said "Harry says I don't know I suffered severe trauma to the head and now I narrate my actions after doing them."

"Oh you poor dear," said the fat woman. "Nobody will want to talk to you because you take twice as long to express what you're thinking, and furthermore what you're thinking never seems to be too terribly interesting… And technically, narration counts as an action. So… it would only make sense that you would have to narrate about how you narrated and so on. It would be a vicious cycle…"

Harry thought for a moment and said "No, that's too inconvenient." Then Harry said "Harry thought for a moment and said no that's too inconvenient.

"Well that makes it seem like you are half-assing it, remember Harry, no one likes a lazy kid with a brain disorder," warned the fat woman.

"I'm sorry Mrs. fat woman" said Harry, "I let you down but well, I'm already kind of getting bored with this mental disorder, I was thinking of switching to a new one."

"Oh wonderful Harry, you know you could just decide not to have _any_ stupid speech quarks and you'd save Zeke a lot of time."

Harry thought about this for a moment and said "No that's ok, I think this Zeke character sounds really cool he can handle it."

"Well, ok" said Mrs. fat woman. "Now hurry along or you will be late. Just sprint at that pillar," instructed Mrs. Tubbo helpfully.

Harry sprinted at the pillar and smashed his face into solid, unyielding stone. He was not even mildly dazed, "What's next?" he asked.

Fatty looked shocked. "You aren't even a little angry that I intentionally showed you the wrong pillar just to see you mess yourself up?" she was astounded.

"No, not at all actually" said Harry looking slightly distrubed by this. "I have the intellect of a retarded three year old kitten that had its brain removed so they could be made into scented candles."

"Oh in that case do it again!" said Mrs. fat woman gleefully.

"Now really, you should stop taking advantage of this severely retarded stranger" said Mr. Mrs. fat woman forcefully.

"Well he is almost late for the train…" conceded Mrs. fat woman.

Mrs. fat woman told him how to get on the train He got on the train. He looked for an empty compartment. He found an empty compartment. As he got himself and his things in order, and narrated his actions, he was being stared at by all of the other children.

A few minutes later, Harry was joined in his compartment by Mrs. fat woman's son. He said his name was Ron and that he had heard about how Harry narrated all his actions and said they would be ideal friends because he was so dumb that it took him about two times longer than your average person to process what he was hearing.

Then Ron was like "Blimey you are Harry potter!"

Harry said "Yes, I am." Harry said, "Harry says yes I am," to Ron Mrs. fat woman.

There was a slight delay, and then Ron said, "Really? That's cool!"

They talked and narrated well into the night and had a wonderful time. Neither of them suspected the stuff that might happen at Hogwarts that year, specifically that Ron may or may not spill one of his refreshing beverages over the course of the school year. There were many questions and many dangers and… things, you know the whole spiel, I'm just trying to build suspense here so act kind of… oh I don't know, nervous and excited and, well, that's good enough for me.

**CHAPTER FOUR: HARRY'S FIRST DAY AT HOGWARTS**

So anyway like Harry TOTALLY got off the train.

Harry said to Ron, "Ron, I cordially request your presence in the carriage to accompany me to the flamboyant castle." Harry then said, "Ending queer speech pattern."

Ron replied, "Pickles!"

Harry looked down and said to his left shoe, "I'm gonna to step on you, left shoe!"

Ron laughed. Harry spontaneously voided his bowels. Ron laughed. Harry hit Ron with Neville. Ron laughed. Ron laughed because he thought that laughing was hilarious. Nearby several students were finding that no mode of transportation could help them escape quickly enough from Ron and Harry. They resorted to suicide. Ron laughed at the growing pile of dead bodies.

Harry said "Roto tiller."

A nearby student impaled himself on a jagged rock. Harry saw a student run head first into a wall, which, for some reason, was made out of green jello. The student suffocated in sweet, sweet jello. Ron laughed.

Harry was in the great hall cuz for some reason I don't feel like writing about the intervening trip to the castle cuz I'm kinda bored.

Ron said "HA! where is the food goes in my stomach there is acid in that vat of lard is like butter goes on your bread sticks get dunked in tomato sauce goes on pizza goes in my stomach."

Harry was like "Hey, Ron I really like the format of that sentence it was like SUPER HYPER ADHD TO THE MAX! WOOT!"

Ron looked around for a few seconds in pursuit of food stuffs and then gave up and proceeded to eat his bib. Ron laughed. Ron gagged on his bib. Ron found this hilarious. Ron laughed. Ron gagged even more. Ron passed out. Every nearby student immediately stopped his attempt at suicide in favor of going over to kick the unconscious Ron.

Dumb Bell Door took the podium. He began his pre-feast speech candidly, "Everyone here, without exception, is a complete idiot." Dumb Bell Door explained, "For instance, look at our _star student_, our, _crowning achievment_," spat Dumb Bell Door contemptuously, gesturing at Harry.

Harry looked slightly shocked at having been put on the spot. He smiled weakly, he then bellowed at the top of his lungs, " THE GNOMES WILL KILL US ALL WITH THEIR CHOCOLATEY DELICACIES!" and frantically, he fled from the hall.

"I guess that means to avoid the dessert…" Dumb Bell Door muttered cynically. "Ok, on with the speech: basically it's the same old shit as last year and if you've got any questions, well, I don't care at all. Oh, and good luck… but not really, I hope you die. EAT THE FOOD THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!" and then, with this last outburst, Dumb Bell Door collapsed in his chair and began sobbing bitterly.

Some smart chick was all like, "HEY DOES ANYONE THINK THAT DUMBLEDORE IS ACTING STRANGE?"

"You spelled Dumb Bell Door," a Ravenclaw corrected smugly.

The smart chick shot her a glare of one thousand fiery needles and made a mental note to learn how to make voodoo dolls.

A heavily bruised Ron laughed, apparently regaining consciousness is quite hilarious.

Ron yelled at the top of his lungs, "Hey, Harry I kind of like that smart chick but I don't want to admit it so I think I will act like she is really dumb and annoying!"

That smart chick asked Ron and Harry how they were doing. Harry said that he would require sleep in three hours, seventeen minutes, and twenty seven seconds. He just managed to stiffle an electronic beep and a dial tone. Ron spilled his beverage all over the smart chick then yelled at her for being an English muffin.

Harry yelled, "HEY EVERYONE THIS ROOM HAS A FLOOR!"

Exasperated sighs… then, more suicides…Ron laughed.

The feast ended and as Ron and Harry made their way to the Gryfindor common room, everyone else made sure to leave a wide girth in the corridors for them and their random screams. Harry and Ron got to the fat lady portrait.

The fat lady asked "Password?"

Bewildered Ron suggested, "The smart English Muffin chick with a nice rack!?!?"

The fat lady looked disgusted and said " uhhh... no that's not right... not to mention it's slightly preverted considering she's eleven…"

Ron laughed.

Harry blurted " BLINKING GREEN LIGHT THAT INDUCES VOMITING IN EXTREMELY JAPANESE INDIVIDUALS!"

The fat lady was very taken aback, to say the least and asked, "What made you think that that _wouldn't _be wrong?"

Ron laughed.

Harry yelled "HEY EVERYONE I'M HARRY POTTER!"

The fat lady answered, "Well, yes that's right. But we really ought to have a more scure password..."

Ron laughed. "That is a weird password," agreed Ron.

Harry tried to push all the night's retardness out of his head as he found a bed and unpacked his possessions from his trunk and prepared for bed. Harry got in bed and thought to himself... "Mashed potatoes."

**CHAPTER FIVE: HARRY GOES TO CLASS**

The next morning Harry pointed out something very obvious and Ron was still retarded. That really smart chick told Harry and Ron that her name was Hermione at breakfast. Harry asked her what her name would be if it was lunch. Ron laughed.

Hermione chose to ignore their retarded behavior and instead replied "I noticed that you two seem to be mentally deficient so I figured I would take you under my wing and keep you from flunking out of hogwarts."

Ron poured coffee in his cereal.

Harry said "This place is a castle you know."

Hermione said "Yes Harry it is. I learned that in _Hogwarts a History_ which I've read eighty three times already."

Ron laughed and threw Hermione at a random student. Ron clapped his hands.

Getting up and dusting herself off, Hermione said "I'm a know-it-all and I'm kind of stuck up and I think I'm better than everyone."

"We should get to class said Harry."

"No duh," said Ron.

Harry looked at Ron with a worried and confused expression.

"Uh Ron, aren't you just supposed to laugh every once in a while and not actually contribute to the conversation?" asked Harry.

"Well that was my MO before I tired of my predictable antics. I soon grew restless and decided to adopt an entirely new set of social mannerisms for my own amusement," Ron explained.

"You sound smart," said Harry with amazement.

"Yes indeed, I do" replied Ron.

They arrived in the potions dungeon a few minutes later.

Snape started by addressing the class, "A few of the things I like are obedient students, dancing in my office to opera music after class, self-loathing, giving dirty looks, sexy feet, disliking things, and men. Please, disregard any of those things that may make me seem homosexual or that incriminate me in any way."

Everyone immediately forgot all that he or she had heard.

Ginny, the ten year old, was, for some reason, was hanging around the castle. She caught sight of Harry, started blushing furiously, and ran straight into a wall, bounced off, tripped down a flight of stairs, accidentally knocking over three suits of armor, bowled over a couple of tables and chairs, and finally she plowed into a large group of students. It took Filch hours to clean up the blood.

"Ron what is wrong with your sister?" asked Harry.

Ron laughed.

"You said you were smart now Ron!" suggested Harry.

Ron laughed and said, "Nope, I was joking, I've been an idiot all along."

"Ahem," snape coughed. "If you will all excuse that little distraction we can start learning," said snape.

"Yeah, so everyone shut up so you can learn" insisted Ron.

"So back to my lecture, things I don't like: straight people, the game asteroids, know it all students, myself, and well, the list goes on."

Harry raised his hand and asked snape "Wow you're quite the fruit cake aren't you?"

"HEY, IM NOT A FRUIT CAKE HARRY JUST SHUT UP IM SENSITIVE SO WHY DONT YOU BE QUIET, YOU ASS PERSON!" Snape whined.

Just then a werewolf leapt in the window and beat the shit out of Harry. Harry started crying. Everyone laughed at him. Harry ate his pudding. A few muffins danced by.

A fish flew by and said "See? Gills _do_ work without water."

Ron was all like, "I told you so! I told all of you but every time I brought it up you guys just started calling me names like: "crazy" and "stupid" and "that famous kid's side kick" and "Ron" as if I were any of those things!"

Everyone decided to just ignore the series of unlikely events.

Snape continued talking, "Now, we will all be making an intelligence potion so get your supplies and get started, if you need me I will be in my office not doing ballet so don't disturb me, just ask that snotty know it all,"

They made the potion. Harry drank it. Harry laughed. Hermione drank it. Hermione laughed. Ron drank it. Ron calculated the square root of pi, twice.

A blonde haired student came over to Harry and introduced himself as Draco Malfoy and heinsulted Harry's friends. He then said Harry should hang out with him.

Harry said, "Koala bears that ingest pebbles are cuddly and fun!"

Draco took this as a "Yes." Harry got up from his table and sat down at Draco's table.

"Hey Draco, are you an African elephant or a purple bus?" asked a confused looking Harry.

"Oh, Harry, you're so very silly," said a Slytherin girl named Pansy Parkinson snorting. "Do you want to go make fun of your friends?" she asked Harry.

"Yes, I like hamsters!" Harry answered excitedly.

"Good then, its settled" said Pansy.

"Ok, lets go" said Harry.

"By the way Harry, I'm really sluty and I want to go out with you."

"Ok" said Harry.

After a long and steamy make out scene Harry and Pansy found Draco and they went off to ridicule Ron and Hermione.

Harry said, "Hi friends, you guys are being made fun of by me," with a clueless grin on his face. He then lost interest and quietly looked about the room.

Ron and Hermione felt hurt and betrayed.

The bell rang and class was over. Harry left with his new friends and thought to himself "Friends are good for kicking."

"Lets make a sand castle!" Harry suggested excitedly.

Pansy agreed, "Ok, but only if we make out steamily first. After all, I do have a sluty reputation to uphold," She reminded him flirtaciously.

**CHAPTER SIX: HARRY'S DESICION**

The next morning Harry awoke to the sound of Ron laughing for no reason at all and he decided to get dressed and go down to breakfast.

Harry walked out of the dormitory and down to the common room. Harry entered the common room. Ginny was in the common room gazing longily at the dormitory stairs. When Ginny saw Harry she blushed furiously and stumbled into the fire place and started shrieking and writhing. The odor of burning human hair and flesh filled the room.

Harry chuckled to himself, "Silly Ginny."

Harry then continued on his way out of the common room portrait hole. Harry stepped onto the floor of the corridor. Harry turned the corner at the end of the corridor and continued down the next corridor. Harry walked down a flight of stairs. Harry turned into a different corridor at the bottom of the flight of stairs. Harry continued down the next corridor. Harry turned right at the end of the corridor and walked down another flight of stairs.

Harry was now in the dungeons. Harry walked down a long corridor. Harry found a painting on the wall and waited around until Pansy, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle came out. They then made their way to the great hall for breakfast.

Harry walked over to the Gryffindor table. Harry pulled his chair out from the table. Harry sat in his chair that he had just pulled out from the table. Harry scooted the chair back into the table while he was occupying it.

Harry then grabbed a piece of toast from a platter. Harry then grabbed the strawberry marmalade and was about to spread it on the toast. Harry then noticed the dish of peanut butter that was cradled in between the toast and the strawberry marmalade. Harry put the marmalade back and opted for the peanut butter. Harry then reconsidered and once again reached for the marmalade. But before Harry grabbed the marmalade he second guessed himself and withdrew his hand from it. Harry therefore was left with the peanut butter to spread on his toast. But Harry wasn't in a peanut butterish mood at that exact moment. So once again Harry reached for the marmalade. Someone else grabbed the marmalade before Harry could get it and in the time that had passed Harry had gotten in the mood for peanut butter. Yes, peanut butter Harry decided. He would definitely go for the peanut butter. Harry was just about to spread some peanut butter on his toast when the person who had been using the marmalade finished with it and put it back where it was before they had taken it. This opened up the new possibility of marmalade which Harry had not yet considered. Harry then decided to reach for the marmalade.

Harry was tired of not being able to decide which of the two condiments to spread on his toast. Harry decided he would consult someone for their opinion.

Harry said to Ron, "Do you think I should use marmalade or peanut butter?"

Ron asked, "What type of marmalade?"

"Strawberry," replied Harry.

"Well what are you using the condiments for?" asked Ron.

"To spread," Harry said.

"On what?" inquired Ron curiously.

"My toast," Harry responded.

"What kind of bread is the toast?" asked Ron.

Harry replied, "Wheat bread."

"And how many slices are you having?" asked Ron.

"Just the one," replied Harry.

"In that case, I have no idea." replied Ron.

Harry broke a platter over Ron's head.

Harry decided to ask Hermione.

Hermione just glared at him and said, "Harry lets get this straight, first you ditch us for a bunch of dirty Slytherins, then you act all nonchalant about it. You think we won't be mad? You think I'll give you advice about your toast? Well I hope you choose the wrong condiment and that it spoils your day!" She was screaming indignantly by this point.

"Actually Hermione, as I understand it, they all practice fairly good hygiene but otherwise, Yes, you are correct," Harry replied calmly.

"Harry, you suck!" screamed Hermione and she stalked away.

"Well, I'm going to go find someone to help me with my dilemma," said Harry.

Harry stumbled off to the nearest wall and asked it "are you my mother? Oh wait wrong question," he remembered. "What I meant to ask was peanut butter or marmalade?"

Harry waited a couple of hours.

"Thanks wall, you sure were a whole lot of help," Harry told the wall sarcastically.

Harry then stalked off seeking someone to answer his deepest question. Harry came upon Crabbe and Goyle and asked them for their opinions.

They replied "Marma butter!" and " dew rags were quite stylish in the 90's if you were going for a gangster look" respectively.

Harry said, "I will really have to remember that one about the dew rag" then he stalked off still looking for valid opinions.

Harry searched the castle for about two hours before he happened upon Draco and asked him whether he preferred peanut butter or marmalade. Draco said he didn't have a favorite. Harry thanked him and hurried on his way.

Harry was really starting to get upset because it seemed like no one could help him. Harry had a brilliant idea he would go see his girlfriend. Harry found Pansy after only a couple hours of looking. Harry asked her whether she liked peanut butter or marmalade and she just tried to _snog_ **A/N this is how you can tell I'm British A/N** him. Harry was kind of annoyed by this because he was trying to get a straight answer out of her and all she could think about was upholding her sluty reputation.

Harry walked around the castle in deep thought for a few more hours. Harry ran into professor McGonagall. He asked her which she preferred then she told him to be on his way and stop with the foolishness.

Still not satisfied Harry decided to go to Dumb Bell Door for some advice. Harry arrived at Dumb Bell Door's office. Harry asked Dumb Bell Door whether he preferred peanut butter or marmalade. Dumb Bell Door said that it was really something dependant on personal taste. He told Harry to experiment to see what he liked.

Harry figured that he was too stupid to make his decisions for himself so he decided to ask the only person in the wizarding world with more power than Dumb Bell Door. He wrote to the Minister of Magic. His letter goes as follows:

Dear Minister of Magic,

I am Harry potter and you are the Minister of Magic. I have a problem and I think that maybe you could help me out. Well you see, this morning at breakfast I was confronted with the decision between spreading strawberry flavored marmalade and peanut butter. Well I couldn't decide for myself so I consulted some of my friends, a wall, and my headmaster, none of whom were able to provide me with a satisfactory answer. I therefore decided to ask you. So basically I need to know which condiment I should use to spread on my toast.

Sincerely,

Harry potter

Harry went up to the his room to get his owl after checking the letter with a couple of his friends. Harry sent the letter that night and figured to have correspondence within a couple of hours. Harry stayed up until three o'clock but received no mail. Harry then decided to go to sleep and just read the mail the following morning.

Harry slept and dreampt dreams of horrible indecision. Thoughts of marmalade and/or peanut butter haunted his dreams and caused him great distress. Harry awoke early the next morning in hopes that the letter would come from the Minister of Magic. Harry went down to the great hall and waited. Ron came down a while later and took a seat next to him. Hermione came down a few minutes after Ron and shot Harry a nasty glare before sitting a few seats down.

Harry sat there waiting idly for the post. Ron sat there and forgot to eat. Hermione kept shooting them both nasty glares. Things continued in this manner for an hour then Hermione went off to her first class and Ron fell asleep in his scone. Harry sat and waited for the entire day but no post came for him.

That night Harry felt disappointed and decided to go ahead and go to sleep. That night he had more marmalade nightmares. Harry got almost no sleep and went down to breakfast earlier than most. Harry received a letter.

"Who is it from?" asked Ron.

"It's from the desk of the Minister of Magic!" Harry replied excitedly.

Dear Mr./Mrs. Harry Potter,

The minister of magic is very busy right now and can only receive mail from individuals who have gone through proper screening to ensure that any mail that he might receive will not be hexed, jinxed, or cursed in any way. To contact the minister of magic you must first fill out the enclosed forms 1 A through 17 ZZ

The desk of the Minister of Magic.

"Great, just great, now I have to fill out zillions of forms and after I do that, it will take another two days to hear back from him!" Harry groaned.

Ron laughed. Harry beat the living hell out of Ron with a telephone book.

"Well, I should probably get started" said Harry.

The first question on form A read as follows: Have you or anyone that you know ever made fun of a sky-diving clown? If so describe his outfit. **Question two**: In your opinion what is less queer a pun or an alliteration? **Question three**: have you ever participated in square dancing? If so how drunk/high/sleep deprived were you? **Question four**: Truth or Dare, If you pick truth then who is your crush. If you pick dare, then commit suicide. **Question five**: Do you prefer marmalade or peanut butter on your toast? And the forms went on like that for approximately eight hundred and eighty three more pages.

Harry sat in the common room filling out forms for what seemed to be nine days but in reality was only about seven. Harry finally completed the last question which was: "If we were to tell you that it is only necessary to fill out the last question of these forms what degree of anger would you experience?"

Harry mailed in the completed form. Three days later he got mail saying that they had received his forms and he was now authorized to send mail to the Minister of Magic. Harry sent the Minister of Magic another letter.

Harry had not eaten in about two weeks and was starting to feel the effects. Harry hoped the Minister of Magic would hurry up and reply so Harry could eat his toast. Harry waited around for a couple of hours then passed out.

Harry woke up in the hospital wing surrounded by friends and sluty girlfriends.

"Hey Harry, check out what came for you while you were out" said Pansy holding up a letter. "Its from the minister of magic" she explained.

"Hey Harry, hurry up and open it" encouraged Draco.

Harry did as he was told.

Dear Mr./Mrs. Harry Potter ,

Marmalade.

From the desk of the minister of magic.

"Cool!" Harry yelled "I can finally eat my toast!"

Everyone looked confused until Harry produced a slice of toast from his pocket. It was stale, covered in lint, and molding but that didn't stop Harry from whipping out the marmalade, spreading it on his toast, and wolfing it down.

Harry immediately vomited.

"The Minister of Magic was right," said Harry. "That was great!"

Ron started lapping up Harry's vomit. Someone should have told him to stop, but honestly it was just _too _funny. Ron's vomit lapping was the subject of jest well into the night. Thus, the case of the tasty toast topping ended with abundant mirth and joy.

CHAPTER SEVEN: HOW HARRY MET THE COOLEST KID EVER 

The next morning Harry woke up, and after eating his morning toast, he became aware of, through his awesome magical abillities, an extremely cool kid far off from Hogwarts. Harry knew that this particular cool kid's coolness readings were way off the coolness charts. That's when Harry decided to poof to the cool kid to totally hang out with him and fufill the cool kids life-long fantasies.

Harry poofed to a kid named Zeke. Harry and Zeke immeadiately became the best of friends and all day they skipped through meadows holding hands and complimenting one another. Zeke learned magic and became the most coolerist and awesomist wizard ever. Harry and Zeke were very happy and they got all the chicks but Zeke got more.

One Day Zeke and Harry were talking about how they loved each other and then they embraced and

**POOF **The real Harry Potter apparated into Zeke's room. Zeke was slaving, nay, drooling, over his computer, writing a section of his fan fic that was bordering on homosexual idol worship. Harry stood in Zeke's doorway, Harry's eyes were focused firmly on the back of Zeke's head. Slowly, Silently, Harry made his way over to Zeke and placed his hands firmly on Zeke's neck.

"Zeke, we need to have a little chat," Harry whispered angrily.


	2. Caught In A Web

**CHAPTER TWO: CAUGHT IN A WEB**

Harry glared down at Zeke who rushed to him and began feeling Harry's face and taking in deep draws of breath from Harry's robes, as if trying to memorize Harry's scent. Zeke rushed to gather all of his HP merchandise in hopes of garnering some favor with his god, Harry Pottter. Harry was not impresed. Zeke began babbling incoherent nonsense with a loud "Harry!" or a frantic "Dreams come true!" audible here and there. Zeke grabbed Harry and proudly rushed him to his computer to show him all that he had written. Zeke finally managed to form a proper sentence: "Harry! Look! Aren't you so proud of me?" Zeke asked eagerly. "You've finally come for me so we can frolic through meadows and hold hands and exchange compliments right?" he suggested expectantly.

"Zeke, I have not come here for delightful merriment as you so desperately wish," Harry declared icily. "I have come because of this slander you've been writing about me," Harry said motioning toward Zeke's computer. Harry continued somberly, his eyes were filled with anger, "You've been giving me a bad reputation." "Nobody was supposed to know about the marmalade incident," Harry whispered bitterly. "I'm afraid you'll have to be silenced," Harry's eyes lit up and a look of pure sadism came over his face. "**OBLIVIATE!"**Harry bellowed and was gone.

Zeke awoke minutes later and got to his feet. He felt strange: fuzzy, dizzy, and light-headed. He was not certain of why he had been napping on the floor. He gazed around the room, blinked, and for an instant recalled a blazing light. Unable to determine where the brilliant light might have come from, Zeke let it slip out of his mind. Zeke walked over to his computer where an empty text document was open, and sat down. As he stared into the monitor, he began to feel an inexplicable homo-erotic yearning for Artemis Fowl.


End file.
